tool definitions

[spencerforhire]

Tool Definitions (courtesy of the Maritime Drag Racing message board)

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 30 years ago by someone in Detroit, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a .50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

The “Thing" - the tool in the tool crib that no one has been able to identify for as long as it's been there.

Punch - mostly used for testing your reflex's when you miss it with the hammer and hit your hand...Also used to completely destroy(read - mushroom) the part you are trying to move in the first place.

Air hammer - excellent tool to "more than piss-off" your co-workers on a Monday morning or Friday afternoon. ...Also used to destroy the part you are trying to move or loosen.

The instruction Manual - part of the mint condition book collection in the cabinet above the workbench, never been used and probably never will be. Can be sold on ebay as new to replace the tools-parts you broke and busted because you didn't read it in the first place.

[v8astregt]

I like the DAMMIT Tool.

[2lucke4u]

Spence
One word ,,,AMEN,,,
Been there ,,still doing that,,,
Charles

[75TC]

I am a big fan of the engine hoist definition lol.

[Sirshredalot]

Yes sir indeedy.

That funny right there. And its only funny because weve all done everything on that list...at least twice.

Or used everything in that manner.

Its getting harder and harder to get sears to warranty those big screwdrivers when you bring them in bent in an L shape or with the handle broken off(from using it as a chisle)

God bless
-Shred

[gerbsinmd]

Those are perfect, and I agree, I've done them all several times!

[Kev442]

The engine hoist had me laughing pretty hard. Its amazing how hard a rubber fuel hose can hold on!

[res0o7eb]

Good to know that I have been using these tools correctly all along.

[barebonesracecars]

Good to know that I have been using these tools correctly all along.

My favrorite was the engine hoist, as well. The Trouble Light def just made me mad thinking about it.